Room to breath....

As I await my departure from this place, I am understanding exactly why I vowed to never stay here. There is so much history, so much love, my first love and many heartaches. In this place, are friends I thought i'd have forever, experiences that at one time I thought i'd never want to live without and the idea of what i thought was growing up.... But you know what? I made the move along time ago and am reminded NOW, as to what those reasons were for me leaving. No need to go in to detail, but somehow I thought that I could conform throughout  " growing up" to at least be able to be live amongst this caliber of people, if only for a short while. Now, when i say "this caliber of people", I don't mean any disrespect. I mean that "this caliber of people" are perfectly fine with living without change, adversity and the challenges that the rest of the world will bring to them, and that's alright. That's completely fine. To each is own.

   So, talk about being judged? You'd think that people who live the simpler lifestyle would be more accepting to ones who are about change and adversity, but instead they are the most critical. But what these motherfucker's need to realize, is that I was never from that way of life and never be like them. I am no better than the next man, I bleed red too, but because I see more, I am the bad guy? here. That alone is enough for me to write a lot of things off around here. To not look back. Fuck 'em

A simple stare at the stars and I started to figure something out.....

So, After much deliberation, I've come to the realization that I need to regain all of the hope and passion in my life that was lost .The hope and passion that has driven me to greatness in the past. Throughout my last week or so of funk, I've been watching a lot of movies, some sappy chic-flicks and others that were just plain sappy. But at the end of all of these movies, both of the characters would always have the same things in common. That was, how they figured out what they wanted and needed after searching for the wrong things all along. Whether it was a love that someone found or a lifestyle change that was much needed, they never sought after any of in the beginning. Kinda how things have been going with me. I am becoming more and more convinced that without passion, without a sense of hope, that I will not get any closer to finding happiness in this fucked up, beautiful world, but also I realize that hope and passion alone won't get you there. You have to take a chance, you have to sometimes close your eyes, take a breath and leap forward for no other reason other than what your heart tells you.....Small steps are all I can afford right now but the small steps are at least getting me moving in the right direction.

Another day....

    Well, i'm still here, still in limbo and still have a lot to figure out. I guess that i'll have to find the patience and strength to figure these things out. Everything's always come so easy for me and for the first time in my life, I can't figure out what to do about anything. Just a week ago I thought that I had everything figured out and never thought that I would be pushed back to where I had to start over. I sold every possession that I owned, got rid of my whole entire life in order to start a new one. All with a plan, a plan that's slowly crumbling in to pieces right before my eyes. What makes this even harder is that while starting this transition, I tasted what it was like to love someone again. I knew in the back of my head that I shouldn't have seen her but knew in my heart that I needed to feel it again. I don't know if it was her or the thought of being able to love someone. Who knows....Regardless, It ended with pain and confusion. The last thing that I need right now. Maybe I was in need of the pain? Is it some sort of karma? If it is karma, then how long does one have to suffer until they break even and can start to experience life again without so much pain and heartache....?

is this what it is?

Why do I feel the utmost pain and suffering right now? Is it because of all of the pain and hurt that i've brought towards others? I believe so. Do I wonder why? Not any more. Only because I can realize what ive done, not who I am. I've realized that I have lost track of others needs instead of  putting their needs before mine. I am ashamed of myself because of that.......I'm working on it.

Minus the Bear - Pachuca Sunrise

Right now as alway's....

As of right now, I'm confused and uncertain. Uncertain as to what my life on this earth will bring. Since being back to the place that I vowed to never come back to, I've resurfaced certain feelings and emotions that I cant help but elaborate on.....Love, Pain, Confusion. It's something that keeps me up at night.Something that brings me an undying want to figure it all out. I pray that something gives. I pray that something is beautiful after all of this.